One fateful Tuesday afternoon, the small kingdom of Reindeer’s parents was visited by a traveling zoo. The kingdom, it should be noted, was called Sardonia, because Reindeer’s great grandmother, the very first queen of Sardonia, was incredibly fond of sardines (Sardonia was a relatively young kingdom). Sardines were the caviar of Sardonia, due to their scarcity and Supply and Demand.*

Anyways, this traveling zoo was a train of cages with numerous, rather depressed looking animals. It reminded Princess Reindeer of a scene from her favorite movie, The Last Unicorn. All of the children in the entire kingdom gathered at the zoo and stared at the imposing beasts. There was a lion, two Siberian monkeys, a pack of white squirrels, a reindeer, and a number of other random animals. Most callingly, however, there was a small tent, which the zoo-keeper had set up when he first arrived, very secretively, with a small sign saying, “Mystic Snow Hawk.” No one knew what a Mystic Snow Hawk was, but everyone wanted to see it. However, the zoo-keeper was incredibly fond of teachers, and since the kingdom of Sardonia had outlawed school, the zoo-keeper decided to punish their lack of teachers by keeping anyone from seeing the animal. All of the kids were very angry and begged their parents for school so that they could see the Mystic Snow Hawk. Their parents tended to respond with a slap to the face. This is the Sardonian tradition.

So that night, some time around midnight, Lance and Reindeer met up under a pine tree that grew near the princess’ window. They whispered and planned and decided and crept around looking suspicious. Then they made their way to the traveling zoo, where the animals and the spiteful old zoo-keeper slept peacefully, and where the Mystic Snow Hawk remained a secret hidden in the tent.

Tiptoeing along, Lance and Reindeer approached. They could hear a soft breathing coming from inside. Lance carefully lifted a bit of the fabric. Reindeer crawled in quickly, and Lance followed. They were very nervous. Inside the tent was complete darkness, except for two glittering white gems they knew must be the Mystic Snow Hawk’s eyes.

Lance always carried a box of matches with him. He also carried a number of other things.

Lance and Reindeer held (sweaty) hands, as Lance, trembling, reached into his pocket and took a box of matches out. He opened it slowly, chose a match, and slid the box back closed. Then, still afraid, he let go of Reindeer’s clammy hand and struck the match. With a sudden orange blaze, the room was dancing alive and filled with the eerie little fire on the end of the match. The Mystic Snow Hawk spread its wings with a roar and coldly glared at them with a look of intensity.

It was an enormous bird, its cage nearly filled the entire tent, and it was snow white and practically sparkled, its feathers like glittering shimmery ice. Its talons and sharp, curved beak were a dark, dark, nearly black shade of blue, and its eyes were two enormous white pearls framed by a thin line of black. Neither of them had ever seen such a beast before. It commanded them. They stood, frozen in fear- respect- what? But then, slowly, majestically, it lowered its wings, and turned its head away, down, its big eyes suddenly a clear reflection of complete and utter sorrow.

Reindeer knew what to do.

Slowly, she urged herself to move towards the cage. Lance lit another match before the first one burnt out. He followed close behind her. The Snow Hawk began to lift its head, and watched them with interest. Reindeer, who was an expert lock-picker (a useful skill for any Russian, especially a princess), carefully opened the door of the great bird’s cage. And then took a step back. And then another. And as the door creaked slowly open, the bird looked at the two for what seemed an eternity, and then right as it looked away, Reindeer and Lance turned and began to run.

Run, run, run, as if running for their lives, they made it to the forest and then finally stopped and turned around and watched as the tent, which had somehow caught on fire, burnt a wonderful deep orange, and a gray cloud of smoke began to form, and the zoo-keeper ran around and cursed loudly, and the haggard animals stirred in their cages, and in the distance, an incredible, great white bird soared into the night sky.

TO BE CONTINUED…

*A brief history of Sardonia: Sardonia was created three generations before Reindeer’s, when a man, a woman, and two other men and three other women decided to ditch Moscow via train but the train crashed and they were the only survivors, stranded somewhere in the middle of Siberia. They wandered around in search of help, but ended up hopelessly lost, partially due to a snowstorm that caught them off guard. They decided that since they were planning on ditching Moscow to begin with, it didn’t really matter where they ended up, so why not create their own kingdom? The man and the woman who loved sardines declared themselves the King and Queen and no one questioned their legitimacy. Then everyone built a castle. It took most of the rest of their lives. The other men and women kind of paired off except one of the women who was basically one of the men’s girl-on-the-side. So three families happened, plus the Royal family. And then all their kids had kids, and one more family was born, and then all their kids had kids, and a fifth family happened, except no one really liked the family that had originated from the girl-on-the-side chick. Because they had to share a great grandfather. Anyways, technically they weren’t really a recognized kingdom, per say, but it didn’t really matter because they were in the middle of nowhere and no one knew they existed.

Okay so,

Once upon a time, there was a Princess, and and she had a best friend, who always carried two forks with him- one for eating and one for defense (but never offense, because he was ~70% anti-violence).

The princess’ name was Reindeer, because her parents wanted to be really cool and indie and name their children after forest creatures, but since she was a Russian princess, the forest creatures of Siberia were reindeers.

Her best friend’s name was Lance, which may or may not have been largely impacted by his parents’ interest in the Tour de France.

Reindeer lived in a castle because she was a princess, and because he was her best friend, Lance visited the castle almost every day. In Reindeer’s parents’ small kingdom (which was approximately the size of seventeen average houses), there was no school because only five families lived there, and no one liked one of them so they really only counted it as four, and none of the families consisted of teachers, so school was outlawed (in case some outside viewer of the kingdom were to peek in and criticize them for their lack of schools thus causing the four families to try to implement a school system in order to avoid further criticism, but failing miserably due to their lack of teachers, which would, in turn, result in even more criticizing criticism).* Since there was no school, Lance and all the other children could do whatever they wanted every day. What Lance wanted to do every day was go to Reindeer’s castle and have adventures.

*Trust me, this makes sense. In Russia it is much more important to avoid criticism than to be educated. Plus, Russian families enjoy educating their own children much more than they enjoy sending their children to school where a person who is not in their family educates them, leading to a great risk of the children being educated in a way that may not follow any family traditions, such as tying a blonde virgin to a tree on new years eve and allowing her to freeze overnight so that she may become the new Snow Maiden.

= MIND BLOWING.

First

you fall asleep,

except you dont really fall asleep, you only close your eyes.

And then

you see some yellow-orange glowy circles

and they spin

-no wait, they are purple, and they are arranged in a circle.

And then that circle starts spinning

And then it was actually a black rectangle

Oh, a white one

And there are three lines at the bottom that are moving and electric blue

and sometimes they’re pink

And those two green circles look like eyes but then they grow and grow and grow and they were actually light blue and there were clouds in them and the green was down below where the grass was,

And there’s a yellowing skull on the grass, and it wasn’t on the grass at all but on the sandy beach and the skull was white and then out of the eyes and mouth a crab pokes out and instead of shells the crabs use skulls and now all the skull-crabs gather on the beach,

And all the white skulls are smaller and smaller and they are really just the foam of the ocean, left behind on the sand, but slowly disappearing.

And then you opened your eyes and you remembered seeing a giant purple rectangle and a giant yellow one.

But then you were really just looking at the computer screen and you wonder what qualifies as sleep?

I like how you can unfollow people.

Also I like how my only followers/followees(?) = TABOO FRIENDS AND ENEMIES

I like both tittles and tildes, but I must admit I favor the latter. This is rather unfortunate due to tittles being quite numerous, and tildes being seldomly used, especially in english (although luckily, my hispanicness is incredibly lovely in its usefulness tilde-using-wise).